the new kid

Up until I was 18 years old, my zip code never changed. I went to the same school, attended the same church, and drove the same roads. Sure, I went to college across the country, but even then I was one “new kid” among thousands.

Last month I moved to a new city, in a new state. I need a map to get everywhere, no one knows my middle name, my college major, or my favorite color. Since just five days in, I have been astounded by the speed at which my heart is overrun by fear and insecurity. Is what Christ has said not enough? Is his sovereign leading insufficient?

Certainly not! Surely the goodness and mercy of my Shepherd will lead me all the days of my life, these being no exception. It is my good portion to find purpose and joy in him, in this here day that I am in. Not the day past, nor the one ahead.

With every sunrise comes many small joys easily overlooked, moments of glory simply breezed by. I am learning — and don’t anticipate this ever being a lesson fully realized — that the fabric of our lives is woven together in these intricate moments. The beholding of evening light breaking through trees and streaming a window, your best friends laughter, the new song you can’t stop listening to, the disappointment of fallen through plans… That is where the forming takes place. It matters how we steward not just our years, but our minutes.

As I consider what it practically looks like to walk in this truth, as a new kid, in a new season - I have struggled with fluctuating feelings as I seek futile comfort in circumstances. I have been convicted to take ownership in a new way… what I choose to consume, my first moments upon waking, how I fuel my body, how I interact with my family in a moment of frustration, and recognizing the part I play in it all. I think it is easy to forget that “today” is really the only day we are ever in. We ought to show up well to it.

To return to the original idea at hand - presence has been an incredible weapon against fear and insecurity. I fear if I am making the right choices, investing in the right friends, or on the right career path. I spiral about the future, I overanalyze the past, and allow my joy to be stolen straight from my fingertips.

I have been asking myself throughout my days what it means to steward this season well. Whether it be walking into a meeting with confidence - though my heart rate tells a different story- choosing wisdom in finances, the painful practice of delayed gratification, or surrender of desire. Considering what my year-from-now self will wish I invested in and in that same breath, places where time was wasted.

I have been slowly making my way through the book of Romans, and yesterday I read chapter 8, where Paul writes in verse 28,

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

It is easy to take this passage and glean from it a guarantee for a fairy tale ending. What I have come to find through my wrestle is instead a promise of purpose. That in all of the forming, I see Christ the Lord creating new pathways of connection with others who suffer on this pilgrimage through life.

Even now, just 43 days in, I have been undone by the abundance of God’s grace, his provision, his patience, as he gently shepherds me through this new season. The reality is that our choices today are forming tomorrow. What I feed myself - literally and metaphorically - will shape how I feel, what I prioritize, and the person I am becoming. His way is better.